I love our City Council meetings! I can’t think of a better
way to spend a Wednesday evening. Every week it’s the same thing, the first
half of the meeting they spend discussing what new and dangerous items are
being developed or are going to be shipped through town, and how they plan to
protect them. They talk about which hero will be where, and what new kinds of
security systems they have installed. It’s like watching the home shopping
network and the DIY channel at the same time. All my choices are neatly laid
out in front of me and then they give me a step by step brake down of all of
the obstacles I would face should I choose to go after one of those options.
Who needs a vast network of spies when all you have to do is hit the city council
meeting twice a month?
And as if that is not entertaining enough, the last half of
the meeting is usually spent discussing what they like to call their “villain
problem”, in other words, ME!
Normally Captain Cool presides over this portion of the
meeting. Which only adds to the entrainment value. He answers questions from
concerned citizens, takes credit for things he did not do and lays out his
latest formula on how he plans to defeat me.
Throw in some popcorn and ice cream and you are looking at an all-around
fun filled night out.
The last few weeks
have left me drained, and I was in desperate need of a good laugh. So Cat and I
put on our civilian costumes, grabbed a few snacks and headed for the
meeting. We like to sit in the empty
seats towards the back of the room. This way, when we snicker at Captain Tool
we look more like adoring fans then mocking adversaries. However this evening
it was clear seating was going to be an issue.
The room was jam packed with blue-haired old bitties in support hoes. We
were forced to take seats in the front. Which meant we would be that much
closer to Captain Cool and his Ax Body spray fog of repulsion, but it also
meant he was with in Milk Dud tossing range, so it was all good.
The whole room buzzed, like a hive of busy-body-bee at a
neighborhood picnic. It was impossible to hear what brought all of these women
out during prime-time. Weren’t they all in danger of missing the Dancing With
the Starts result show? Something big
was going on.
Cat and I were so busy speculating with each other on what
would bring so many vintage victoria's out in such a large mass as this, I
didn’t see him until he took the seat next to me. Super Stud in all his costume
glory was sitting right next to me!
My first feeling was
that of relief. The fact I did not notice him until I heard that husky musical
voice of his say, ”Good evening Ladies is this seat taken?” meant he did not have an allurement aura that
over powers any victim that happens to get within its energy field. This
coupled with him having no effect on Cat means the chances that this distorted
impression thing being a super power is highly unlikely. Had is powers been aura generated I would
have felt him, long before I saw him. This is good news, this means he must
have used a manmade weapon on me, if that is the case it is only a matter of
time before I find the formula to counter act the effects.
My second feeling was that of crushing disappointment. He
smiled and all my hopes of a man made reversible device melted in a pool of despair
that surprisingly felt a lot like desire. No man made device could cause that
kind of reaction. Maybe it was some kind of Poisson. My heart started to flutter in panic. I lost
the ability to speak. And when our eyes
met, I thought I saw recognition flash in his mocha flecked green orbs. I knew I was panicking, there was no way he
could recognize me. But he flashed me that impetuous smile of his and I almost
fainted. Thank God the meeting was called into order at that very moment.
I was so busy trying to communicate my panic to Cat, through
silence yet expressive facial expressions that I missed the first topic of the
evenings meeting. It was not until Super Stud stood up and said. “Excuse me respected
Counsel Members, I know I am new here, but I wonder if you think it is wise for
us to discuss such sensitive information in a public forum for all to hear?
This city does have a super villain problem.” This time it was unyielding rage
that stole my voice from me. Cat put her hand on my knee to remind me I was in
my civilian dress and could not risk exposure or I would have killed him on the
Luckily Councilman Balling is a pompous man and does not
take constructive criticism well. He laughed and said, “Look around Super Stud
do you see any Evil geniuses in this room? We are perfectly safe. But I thank
you for your concern.” I swear Super Studs eyes shifted towards me at that
moment and I thought I saw him wink. It all happened so fast and I was trying
not to hyperventilate so I cannot be sure.
I better hire some new spies; now that the suggestion has
been made it may be only a matter of time before that buffoon Balling thinks it’s
his idea to curb the free flow of information. See if I vote for him again.
Just then one of the little old dames jumped to her feet and
yelled, “I would like to know what the city is doing about that evil fiend
Catastrophic?” I think Cat almost fell
out of her chair she was so delighted. No one had ever called her a fiend
before. Let alone high jacked the City Council meeting because of her.
“Is that the one who throws cats into trees? She is nothing
but an adolescent prankster. She is nothing to concern yourselves with.”Boomed Balling.
“She threw my poor Sr. Wellington-Archibald Fluffy Bottom
the third into a tree last week it took three hours to get him down! Something has to be done!” shouted another
gray haired lady behind us who also jumped to her feet and waved a photo of a
gray and white smash faced cat in a lace bonnet around. A mummer of angry
grannies filled the room.
“Ladies, Ladies” Balling had to bang his gavel several times
to bring the room back in order. “We do
not have the resources to allocate defending cats from a childish prankster.
Our money is better spent fighting the Nightmare!”
Now normally I would get a kick out of such a
comment, but the hurt look on Cats face broke my heart. She really is trying so
hard, to have the counsel dismiss her in such a way had to sting. For the
second time that night my rage threatened to overpower me.
“Esteemed Counsel members if I may,” Once again Super Stud
stood and addressed the counsel and of course
the a/c picked that moment to kick on and his cape waved majestically as
he stood adding to his hero quality. I think several of the grannies sighed at
the sight, ( I know I did ) “I have face
Catastrophic in person and I think it
would be unwise to underestimate this problem. It seems to me that cat tossing
is a gateway crime. It may be only a matter of time before this villain moves
on to harder things. She is not as docile as she seems. We do not want to be caught unprepared. I
suggest we create a small task force to address this issue.” Cat jumped to her feet and started to clap,
luckily she was in the right crowed and did not blow her cover because all of
the gray haired cat lovers erupted in to
applause at the same time. Photos of overdressed cats were thrown in the air.
“Very well someone call Aaron and let him know he is the new
Catastrophic task force.” Cat was buzzing with excitement for the rest of the meeting.
I however, couldn't wait for it to end. I was in a painful quandary. Super Stud almost ruined my best source of
information and for that he needed to be destroyed. At the very same time he
gave my best friend the one thing she had been working so hard for,
recognition. And despite my hatred for him my loyalty to Cat demanded I let him
To my great horror
after the meeting Cat wanted to thank in him person. I told her this was not a
good idea, but she said with all of the little old ladies thanking him, he
would think they were just avid cat lovers and not the villains. And her logic was sound. Except I still had
not told her about the un natural power he had over me. Or the odd looks he had
been giving me all night. “Come on!" she pleaded "Besides this will give you an opportunity to observe him in a way
other than combat, maybe you can learn something you can use.” I hate it when she is right.
He greeted Cat graciously and allowed her to hug him. She
actually wiped away tears of gratitude. There was something in his smile, a
knowing glance that made we wonder if he knew who she was as well. I find this possibility of astuteness in him
dangerously alluring. And before I could
stop myself I was offering my hand to him. “ Our city is lucky to have you
Super Stud.” I was shocked I didn’t choke on the words as they came out. As he took my hand in his to shake it, a jolt
of electricity shot through me, not enough to maim or even wound it was more
slight then that. A chemical reaction on the cellular level. Defiantly a
chemical reaction. I am not even sure he felt it.
“Have we met before?” He asks while doing that smoldering
thing with his eyes again. “I don’t think so.” I said trying to regain my hand.
But he would not let it go. “No I am sure of it, we have met before.”
“In a dream, Maybe.” I said snidely, although Cat said it
sounded more wispy, but it was snide I am sure.
“Possibly,” He said and his eye brow rose up in that quirky
way of his. “I have been plagued with the most pleasant dreams since moving
Thankfully that is when Cat interrupted us, and whisked me away
quickly. She told me she didn’t like the way I was looking at him, like I had
fallen under a spell. I broke down and told her everything. After about thirty minutes of her
singing Nightmare and Super Stud
sitting in a tree K I S S I N G she
promised to help me figure out a way not only to discover what the weapon is,
but how to reverse the effects.
I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND!!!!!!! What is wrong with this guy?
Everything was working in our favor. The Tri-County Senior
Citizen Cat Show and Tea was in town.
Hundreds of white haired ladies and their pompous prized pussy cats all
gathered in one spot, Hero’s Park. This is flanked by the beautiful and huge
high trees of the Forrest. It was a
perfect day, one designed with Catastrophic in mind.
Cat was in fine form. We reconstructed the fluff modulator I
gave her so that it was now part of her utility belt. Cat jetted in and out of the crowd while she
snatched, fluffed and threw, snatched, fluffed and threw those furry little
varmints to her hearts content. While little gray haired ladies twittered
around panicked, fanning themselves with their lacy hankies in utter shock and
dismay. It was beautiful! I have never been so proud of her.
Just as expected
Super Stud came to the rescue. You should have seen his face when Cat landed
the first knock down blow. He, like so many others before him, underestimated
her. He won’t be making that mistake again anytime soon.
I was wrong about his fighting skills; they are very good,
maybe even better than my own. He lasted longer in combat with Cat then I ever
have. I think she was going easy on him.
If she took him down too quickly he would not have a chance to pull out the
weapon. What I do not understand is that
he never used it. He was clearly out gunned; he must have known she was just
toying with him. Why then would he not use it like he did on me…twice! After about 30 minutes, and he still had not
used it, I could see Cat was getting bored so I signaled her the okay to shut
things down, which she did quite handily.
Why didn’t he use it?
To make matters worse I am now questioning my theory that he
has super human attraction abilities. Cat is totally unaffected. She called him
cute….Cute? If I had any question about
her immunity, like maybe she was embarrassed and just didn’t want to talk about
it, the cute comment cleared that up. The cats she threw in the tree were cute.
Super Stud is nothing short of magnificent.
It was a stupid theory anyway. What could possibly cause super attraction?
There is no spectrum of gamma radiation that can make a man smell that good.
Space contamination in general, let alone at exposure levels high enough to
morph DNA and create any unforeseen abilities, does not leave one smelling rain
fresh. Take The Green guy with that
lantern, for example, Sure he’s nice to look at but he smells so strongly of
sulfur and space ooze no one wants to be in the same room with him, and his
space contamination is nowhere close to the levels, Super Stud would need to
have studlyness as a power.
I am going to wait a few days and see if maybe it takes a
bit for the full effect to sink in.
Well, so much for that big dumb Idea! Not only did Magneto’s stupid helmet not work, Super Stud laughed at me! He asked if I was using the same fashion consultant as Captain Cool. Sure it didn’t look as good as Mag’s, but I don’t possess the power to manipulate metal like he does. I had to make do with an old bike helmet. That’s no reason to be mean and compare me to Captain Tool.
The principles of the helmet were solid and it should have worked.The fact that I got hit with the weapon again, just like before, proved that theory wrong!
I am too close to the problem to figure it out logically. I need to see it from another point of view. Cat has agreed to put her self in harms way. We are going to use her as bate.
I know what you are thinking The woman throws cats into trees, how potent can she be? That is the beauty of the plan. Cat has 4 amoral super jerks for brothers who used her to practice their fighting skill. I am good but she can kick my butt 7 ways from Sunday blindfolded and with one hand tied behind her back.( when she is mad that is.) If Super Stud felt out manned fighting me, he would be way over his head facing her. So the use of the secret weapon is certain. I will be hiding in the bushes ready to capture it all on camera for research.
I have not told her the full extent of my suffering. She is not aware of the dreams, the night sweats the uncontrollable need to wear lip gloss and make sure my cape is ironed before I leave the house. I feel conflicted about not telling her, she is doing me a huge favor. But at the same time, I need her to have as little information on the affect this sensory distortion has, so not to taint my findings. I don’t want to plant subliminal suggested seeds of possible symptoms. Kind of how like when you are watching t.v. and a commercial for restless leg symptoms comes on and next thing you know is you are up all night with an uncontrollable need to move your legs. You don’t really have restless leg you are just a victim of a subliminal suggestion seeds of a possible symptoms.
I am feeling very productive this week. First the takeover
of Good Day Sacramento, and I am now sure that my favorite flunky Minion-A is
not working for Super Stud! So far, other than a few minion setbacks I am
feeling rather good about things. I have
been feeding Minion-A wrong information for weeks now, all leading up to the
trap I set using her as bate. The plan was to send her out on a fruitless
mission to see if I can coax her benefactor out of hiding. There is no way she could have known my true
plans were in fact not to steal more Paragon Isotope from Foster Labs, but to
rob the carrier van that contained and seemly harmless device called the Fluff
Modulator. Used by groomers all over the world to fluff those poor excuses for
The brilliance of my plan is that I don’t need the Fluff Modulator for
anything I am doing; It’s a gift for Catastrophic. In fact no one, not even I,
knew of the plans to steal the Fluff Modulator today, I had planned to spend my
day working on the helmet that should protect me form Super Studs Super lame
power. I had only heard of its arrival
by carrier van after I had sent Minion-A on her mission of recon.
I figure if Cat insists on throwing those poor creatures up
into trees, no matter how many times I tell her doing so is just mean, not
evil, she is going to have to do something to make her victims more likable. By
the time they get the poor beasts down they look so mangy, people tend to be
more appalled at the varmints then actually feel sorry for them. I thought if
she could fluff them before she throws them into the trees. Make them more
cute, then mangy, maybe it would help people feel sorry for her victims and
then fear her just a little bit more. Let’s face it that girl needs all the
help she can get!
Had Minion-A been working for Super Stud as I first
suspected, he would have been guarding Foster Labs at 3pm and not getting
coffee from THE HUMAN BEAN right as I was making my get away.
He threw his
coffee at me!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to get coffee out of cape
fabric? That crap stains like a
Mother@#@#.I knew I should have scotch guarded it before I wore it out, but
Noooo it was new and I wanted to wear it. I hate that Super Stud.
Luckily, my heist was so random and unexpected; he was
unprepared for my sudden appearance. A supersonic scalding hot coffee bath was
the worst he could do to me. I had too much of a head start.
I am no closer to finding out who Minion-A is working for,
she is held up in the woods somewhere waiting for my signal that says it is
safe to return…I guess I should send up the signal…eventually. They say it’s
only an 80% chance of rain tonight, so there is no hurry. In the mean time I am
getting great pleasure out of picturing Super Stud scratching that
deep-chocolate-sexy-TV- doctor head of hair of his trying to figure out what
kind of sick, dastardly deed I have planed for a pet grooming device.
Yesterday’s invasion of the puny Sacramento morning show Good Day Sacramento was a complete success. Not only did I dominate the screen, the Hydro-Graymatter control amplifying cone was successfully hooked up to their news feed and only awaits my order to turn it on.
I also arranged for two of my M.O.Ms (minions of the month) to meet a legend among lackeys, Allan Sanchez, the Good Day crews head flunky, making me a sure win for this year’s Grovelers Globe’s Villain of The Year. I mean I am a big fan of Magneto and all, but 3 years in a row! COME ON! Does he even serve Pizza on Fridays? No!
I have to say I like that Cody Stark. He has a soft and playable mind, like silly putty, and he has a healthy curiosity of evil etiquette. I feel he is like Cat and a victim of the goodie- goodie-let’s- all- hold-hands-and-sing-happy-songs environment of the show he is on. Amy his co- host is bubbly doe eyed saccharin sweet provocateur of goodness. I am sure she is an operative for the other side sent to keep Cody on the straight and narrow. I suspect she hides a box of kittens under her desk, she is just that type. Poor Cody does not have a chance. For this, Amy has earned a place on my Wall of Hate (for that and all the smack talk she gave out before the show. I don’t take kindly to smack talk)
I have decided to take Cody under my wing and am currently looking into making him a possible scholarship student at the Menace Correspondence School of Malintent. The courses have done wonders for Catastrophic’s anger development. Currently Professor Menace is not taking any new students so this may take some time. In the meantime I will have to follow Cody’s progress closely.
Now all I have to do is flip the switch to the Hydro-Graymatter control amplifying cone and all of the Good Day viewers will become mindless servants to my every whim. (Maybe this way I can finally get a decent cup of coffee, henchmen are always too heavy handed with the hazelnut).
But first I must figure out a way to deflect Super Studs power of studdliness. I had to make some alterations to the plans Mag Sent over, the helmet is almost done.
I have infiltrated a local T.V. station in the inessential town of Sacramento Ca. ( Its not Australia, but its a start) These pathetic fools have fallen pray to my awesomeness, They cower at the mere mention of my name! And now tomorrow they will hand over the broadcast of the local morning show to ME The Purple Nightmare, Evil Genius, Esquire, graduate of The Professor Menace Correspondence School of Malintent and member of the Evil League of Evil and now future star of Good Day Sacramento.These fools actually invited me to be the show! As if I would stop there! They have handed me the keys to their doom!
In preparation of this take over, I have had my minions working day and night to finish Hydro-graymatter control amplifying cone to hook up to the news feed. If successful the viewers of Good Day Sacramento will soon be under my power.
This would good time to send a shout out to Minion K. He has collapsed in exhaustion for all of his hard work on this project, but I don’t do those sort of things. Minion K has 20 minutes to get back to work or he shall feel my wrath.
Why didn’t I think of this before? I have been such a fool!
I am not suffering from some unforeseen after effects of a man made secret
weapon. The man’s name is Super Stud. This must be part of his super power. All
of the day dreaming and swooning, I can admit it now, there was a slight bit of
swooning. But only a tiny, minuscule amount of swooning, not really a full on
swoon but a mini swoon , a swo, if you will.
It’s his super power! I cannot
believe with all of my super genius I missed it!
This may be why I have not been able to figure out how he
beat me. It is possible that he does not have an actual weapon at all, I may
have been distracted by that overwhelming and sudden delirium of giddiness and
it allowed him to get the upper hand.
If my hypothesis is correct then, it means I will need to
work on ways to deflect his effect on
me. I wonder if it is a form of telepathic attack. If so then I should be able
to use technology and wire a protective helmet like that of Magneto’s. I called Mag today and he has promised to fax
over the schematics. He guaranteed me that it will work on all super human
energy manipulation on the telepathic scale.
I had planned to talk to Catastrophic today regarding this distorted impression thing I cannot seem to shake. I wanted to see if she had any ideas on how to counteract it. It’s been some time now and while the effect seems to be dissipating I still see him whenever I close my eyes. His deep greenish-brown soulful eyes with their little flecks of gold just around the edges, that devil-may care way his crooked grin pulls at one’s sole, that longingly sweet smell of him… I can only wish this kind of torture is what I inflict on my rivals.
Unfortunately we never got that far. As it turns out, her family held an intervention. They even called in her uncle who is on the Justice League, and the whole damn league showed up! Poor girl was surrounded by generations of hero’s including all of her brothers in full costumed glory. That much spandex in one room should be outlawed. Talk about nightmares.
Apparently her mother kept wailing, “Why can’t you be more like Steve? He’s a real hero!”
Steve? Really? Steve the sleaze is more like it. I know Steve. I had several run-ins with him in the civilian world while I was working two jobs during the day and pulling whatever heist I could in the evenings trying to save up for my first hideout. He used to come in to the restaurant where I worked, he would always send back his order for no reason at all then he would not only stiff me on my tips every time but he would walk out on his bill as well. Then he would have the nerve to spout these verbal gems like “Hero’s are what hero’s do. Your welcome.” While grabbing my ass.
Nothing’s worse than a hero with an over inflated moral complex desperately lacking of basic morals. I mean they think they are better than us villains, but at least we are honest about who we are. We are not pretending to save all humanity while trying to figure out how to bend it in a way that is completely self-serving. We are very open in our desire to bend the world to serve us. And for the most part we are all excellent tippers. I mean Venom is not but he rarely eats out anyways. Magneto is famous for always paying in cash and letting the waitress keep whatever coins are left as well as leaving a very generous tip. It has something to do with not wanting to carry around the metal… but whatever.
Steve was my first conquest as the persona The Purple Nightmare. I took great pleasure in taking him down. It wasn’t even that hard, he had been drinking while on patrol. Stellar hero behavior let me tell you! He had the park beat…there are kids in that park. I am not sure he understood why I was throwing change at him and quoting random hyperboles while he begged for my mercy, but I felt much better afterwards.
The whole episode was very upsetting for Cat. She was so mad she actually pushed a kid off his bike on her way over. Anger looks good on her. Her thoughts for once were the appropriate shade of dark. There were a few thoughts of revenge on her brothers that had actual promise. She definitely suffers from acute anger management… not enough anger to manage. If we can somehow tap into her anger towards her family, there just may be hope for her yet. We are going to work on that together.
I decided she was on the verge of an evil brake through, and I did not want to distract her from her ranting. I’ll talk to her about my problems later. I can suffer through those hellish dreams a few more nights, if it means Cat finally taps in to her dark side. That’s what friends are for right?