Minion-A texted her benefactor today to inform her that she has found the secret layer inside my secret layer. I find this very exciting news, for I do not have a secret layer inside my secret layer. That would be redundant, and I hate redundancy. My best guess, and by guess I mean I know for sure, that she is talking about my old laboratory in the basement. I abandoned that just a few months before she started in my employment.
Basements are so dark and damp with their cinderblock walls and poor ventilation and I needed something less oppressive, something, light and airy. I wanted lavender walls and soft purple upholstery. I think plotting the destruction of the world should be done in a warm inviting place, not a damp dark dungeon with bad air conditioning. Besides that security system down there is so outdated any prepubescent teen with an iPhone could hack into it. I mainly use it for storage now.
I also forgot to tell the maids to stop cleaning it so I can see why she felt she had stumbled onto something secret.
The minions are strictly banned from that area, but not because of any secret underground layer I wanted to keep hidden from them, but because it is also next to the chocolate pantry. And minions have no self-control when it comes to sweets. I want to know that when I get a carving for one of those 24 Karat Gold Flexed Criollo Cocoa Bonbon with a Liquid Ruby Center I stole off Captain Cool’s hero appreciation gift basket from Venezuela last month, it will be there, ready to be savored and appreciated.
With this new development I now know how to supply Minion-A and her Benefactor with the exact information I desire.
I also think it’s time to have Minion-A, test the super-secret, only my trust few are aware of, Purple Jet Pack of Flames. The one with the bad guiding system and faulty eject button that I had stored down in the basement until I had the time to work out the kinks.
Just got home from an extremely successful heist. The Polarized subspace collider is once again back in my possession and I picked up a Trans- Harmonic-Impulse-Neo-Gradient-Scanner. They just left it sitting on the table completely unguarded. So I figured, why not. I have no idea what I will use it for, yet. But they are so rare I knew if I left it behind I would just have to go back for it sooner or later.
I also faced not only Captain cool, who got a new speedo by the way this one not only is tangerine, it was sparkly. A truly powerful weapon indeed. I almost laughed myself into a stupor. He really needs to stop letting his girlfriend dress him, but I digress.
I came face to face with Super Stud just as I had hoped. I must admit I am more confused by him than ever. I am not sure if he is toying with me or if our last battle was just one wild fluke and he is really a bumbling idiot. Gone was the confidence I was so impressed with just a few days ago. He seemed just as afraid of me as I was of him….. I mean weary, not afraid, I was just wary, and not of him, but of that secret weapon of his. Only a true fool rushes into the unknown without a little trepidation.
Even more disturbing is that I am still suffering from that sensory distortion thing. My …weariness (not fear)kept coming out as uncontrollable desire to smirk and my eye lids kept closing and opening in quick concession, a fluttering if you will.What the hell?
He did not use the weapon again this time. I was careful not to put myself in a vulnerable position while I fought the two of them. But once I pulled the back of the sparkly Speedo over Captain Cools head, leaving him running around in circles trying to free himself. I was forced to face Super Stud in hand to hand just like last time.
Is it possible that, like the Disorienting Impression Materializationer, the cone of distortion affected him as well as me? Because he too seemed to be doing a lot of smirking, only on him it is much more attractive. He has a very nice set of teeth and his smile is quite debonair. I had not noticed before but he smells like the woods after a spring rain. Musky and yet just a little spicy, it was very alluring. Our mid battle banter seemed more like flirting then exchanging insults, and when I hit him with the Purple Stunning Laser, I think I saw him wink as he fell to the ground.