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YOUR WELCOME. 

Some Minions are just so Stupid.

Minion-A texted her benefactor today to inform her that she has found the secret layer inside my secret layer. I find this very exciting news, for I do not have a secret layer inside my secret layer.  That would be redundant, and I hate redundancy.  My best guess, and by guess I mean I know for sure, that she is talking about my old laboratory in the basement. I abandoned that just a few months before she started in my employment.

 Basements are so dark and damp with their cinderblock walls and poor ventilation and I needed something less oppressive, something, light and airy. I wanted lavender walls and soft purple upholstery. I think plotting the destruction of the world should be done in a warm inviting place, not a damp dark dungeon with bad air conditioning.  Besides that security system down there is so outdated any prepubescent teen with an iPhone could hack into it.  I mainly use it for storage now.

 I also forgot to tell the maids to stop cleaning it so I can see why she felt she had stumbled onto something secret. 

The minions are strictly banned from that area, but not because of any secret underground layer I wanted to keep hidden from them, but because it is also next to the chocolate pantry. And minions have no self-control when it comes to sweets. I want to know that when I get a carving for one of those 24 Karat Gold Flexed Criollo Cocoa Bonbon with a Liquid Ruby Center I stole off Captain Cool’s hero appreciation gift basket from Venezuela last month, it will be there, ready to be savored and appreciated.

With this new development I now know how to supply Minion-A and her Benefactor with the exact information I desire.

I also think it’s time to have Minion-A, test the super-secret, only my trust few are aware of, Purple Jet Pack of Flames. The one with the bad guiding system and faulty eject button that I had stored down in the basement until I had the time to work out the kinks.

I have not yet had the time.

Fights, and Heists

Just got home from an extremely successful heist. The Polarized subspace collider is once again back in my possession and I picked up a Trans- Harmonic-Impulse-Neo-Gradient-Scanner. They just left it sitting on the table completely unguarded. So I figured, why not.  I have no idea what I will use it for, yet. But they are so rare I knew if I left it behind I would just have to go back for it sooner or later.

I also faced not only Captain cool, who got a new speedo by the way this one not only is tangerine, it was sparkly. A truly powerful weapon indeed. I almost laughed myself into a stupor. He really needs to stop letting his girlfriend dress him, but I digress.

I came face to face with Super Stud just as I had hoped.  I must admit I am more confused by him than ever.  I am not sure if he is toying with me or if our last battle was just one wild fluke and he is really a bumbling idiot.  Gone was the confidence I was so impressed with just a few days ago. He seemed just as afraid of me as I was of him….. I mean weary, not afraid, I was just wary, and not of him, but of that secret weapon of his. Only a true fool rushes into the unknown without a little trepidation.

Even more disturbing is that I am still suffering from that sensory distortion thing. My …weariness (not fear)  kept coming out as uncontrollable desire to smirk and my eye lids kept closing and opening in quick concession, a fluttering if you will.  What the hell? 

He did not use the weapon again this time. I was careful not to put myself in a vulnerable position while I fought the two of them. But once I pulled the back of the sparkly Speedo over Captain Cools head, leaving him running around in circles trying to free himself. I was forced to face Super Stud in hand to hand just like last time.

Is it possible that, like the Disorienting Impression Materializationer, the cone of distortion affected him as well as me?  Because he too seemed to be doing a lot of smirking, only on him it is much more attractive. He has a very nice set of teeth and his smile is quite debonair. I had not noticed before but he smells like the woods after a spring rain. Musky and yet just a little spicy, it was very alluring. Our mid battle banter seemed more like flirting then exchanging insults, and when I hit him with the Purple Stunning Laser, I think I saw him wink as he fell to the ground. 

I just don’t know what to make of it.

I Am Full of Purple Confusion

I find I am not sleeping very well after my run in with Super Stud. I cannot account for the exact reason why, other then I am deeply disturbed by this new weapon. I am still suffering from the residual effects and it has been several days.

 It haunts my nights. I keep replaying it over and over again in my mind. I have come to the conclusion something truly horrible must have happened and my brain, unable to process the event, blacked out the worst of it.  Every time I close my eyes I see his face barreling towards mine. Only I still see it in that same surreal slow motion I experienced the very first time.

 Now that I am more clear headed, for the most part, I find that I can analyze our encounter better.  I have spent several hours thinking of nothing else. I can clearly see the look in his eyes. That look of awe and surrender.  He knew he was beat. I can also see the brief flashes of confusion and uncertainty that burned in his studly features. I can only assume that the shame of his impending doom was too much for him to take, because he closed his eyes just as, the veil of darkness descended upon me.   

 It’s this confusion, and shame I cannot attest too. If at that moment he knew that he was going to lose, and yet he had such a powerful weapon at his disposal, I can only hypothesize that maybe the weapon was untested and he was unsure it would work. His success over me may have been nothing more than just blind luck.

What is even more disturbing is the warm fuzzy, almost giddy like feeling that reliving these memories stir. It’s enough to make me lose my lunch. Earlier this morning I giggled. ME!!! The Purple Nightmare, terror of the night, giggled.  I have never giggled in my life. I was not even aware such a sick twisted sound was capable of forming in my body. It was enough to send the minions scattering. Even now they watch me with untrusting sidelong glances and flinch with my every movement.  

  Many years ago I toyed with a Disorienting impression materializationer It was designed to render my victims confused. Up would become down and left would then be right. But ultimately it was ineffective. I was unable to concentrate the effects to a centralized beam. The circumference of the influence distribution was too large and I found myself also trapped within the bubble of confusion. Luckily the effects were temporary and because I was aware of what was going on, I was able to make a clean escape. 

 I am wondering if this new weapon works along those same principles, only changes emotions.  If he has figured out a way to distort human emotions and make the effect lasting, he would prove to be a worthy adversary indeed. Not to mention it brings into question his Hero’s code of morality. Most Hero types feel that tinkering with emotions is to dark and should not be attempted by using outside instruments. They prefer old fashion manipulation and trickery to do that.  I wonder if he can be persuaded to work with me and not against me. 

Before I can do anything I must first reclaim the Polarized subspace collider needed for the Purple Haze of Fury generator. My spies tell me that he has returned it to Foster labs once again.  They also discovered that Foster Labs has retained Super Stud’s protective services as well as Captain Cools.  So I may be able to kill two birds with one stone, as they say.  Get the Polarizer subspace collider and get a 2^nd look at this secret weapon. Now that I know what to expect I am sure I can avoid it.  

Even if I am hit with it again, I am curious to see if a 2^nd hit would set my sensory receptors back on track.  Warm and fuzzy giggling is for kittens and puppies and is more suited for Catastrophic then me.  If these symptoms continue I may have to talk to her and get her advice on the proper treatment to squash them.

Finally Face to Face with Super Stud!

I had my first face to face run in with Super Stud today.  And my spies were right he does have lovely eyes. It seems that I have under estimated his skills. He has a secret weapon I was not prepared for. It’s like a stunning ray or a semi- paralyzing beam that leaves its victim helpless and dumb for a few moments.  It took me completely by surprise. I hate to admit that I did not even see where he had the weapon hidden or how he managed to pull it out and use it on me so quickly.

All I remember is that we were fighting. I was winning, this I know because why else would he be forced to pull out a weapon that powerful if he had the upper hand? The very fact he had to use it in the first place shows my superior skills in combat over his.

 We were exchanging the normal piffy banter one expects when engaged in hand-to-hand combat. It is one of their tricks. What they are hoping is that if they get us talking we will start monologue. It was the usual:

“Prepare for your doom, for I am the Purple Nightmare!”

“Wait, you are the purple nightmare?”

“Were you expecting someone else?”

“No, not exactly…. well maybe. Someone a little more, I don’t know, nightmarish…and brunette. You have to admit the name congers up a cretin image.”

“Well I was expecting Ewan McGregor, Super Stud; we don’t always get what we want! Are you prepared to face my rage and to tremble in my greatness?”

“Ewan McGregor? That’s your idea of studly? I would have had you pegged for the Dwayne The Rock Johnson type, maybe a Taylor Lautner. Defiantly not an Ewan McGregor.  Do you mind explaining why?

“What is this an interview or a fight?  What does it matter? I love his accent, He can sing, ok? He’s hot. Some girls prefer a guy who has talent, to those who rest on just their looks, Super Stud.   Now are you prepared to meet your doom or would you like to ask about my childhood pets?"

“Either way you do not scare me, Nightmare.”

“You will quake with fear once you have experienced my full wrath! Long after today you will dream of me and wake begging for your mother.”

He then raised one of his eyebrows at me and said with an insolent tone “I find you intriguing Nightmare. Not at all what I expected. If I do dream of you, it’s not my mother is who I will be calling for when I wake.”

 That’s when I connected a roundhouse kick to his head. He recovered quicker than I expected which is impressive, but I caught the wonderment that flickered in his eyes.  You can always tell when you are about to throw the winning blow in a battle, because something like awe washes across their features that very second they know they have been beaten by true greatness. His was most satisfying. His eyes are the color of summer meadow after a storm and they flashed with a tawny fire of admiration. The little chocolate flecks that rim those hazel orbs sparkled with defeat.  Even the corner of his mouth, which is perfectly shaped by the way, a little bottom heavy and a tiny bit of a crooked slant, that gives it that rakish quality, twitched up just for a moment.    ~* Sigh*~ Have you ever noticed, how on some people paralyzing fear looks a lot like mockery?

  I will admit I was a little distracted, but that was only because he came to the conclusion he had lost so quickly.  I was prepared to battle a lot longer than just a few blows. He must be very bad at hand-to-hand combat, although he hid it well.  I did not see any fatal flaws in his form. Not at all like I do when I face Captain Cool.  Frankly I thought his fighting skills matched my own, and I was pleased to finally have a challenger worthy of my efforts. After the first few blows I had settled with the idea this was going to be a long battle.  So it is understandable that, when that look formed in his eyes, the one that said “I give up! I have met my match.”  It threw me off center and before I had a chance to realize my mistake he had trapped the sides of my face with both his hands and his head started coming towards mine. This is where things start to get a little hazy.

I am sure he head-butted me here. That would explain the confusion and the dream like haze I haven’t been able to shake all day.  It would also help explain why I never saw the weapon he ultimately used against me. But in my mind I see it in slow motion, (it must be a side effect of the weapon) just as his face closed in on mine the world closed in on me.

It was like a veil slowly descending into darkness, until it engulfed me. I never felt the pain of impact. I guess I should be grateful for that much. In fact what I felt was more like the opposite of pain. It was a warm brush of something soft and heated. That’s when the tingling started. My pulse raced and the darken world I was trapped in, started to spin. The sensation that had started at my face worked its way down my spine and then swam circles in my stomach, making it flip over and over again. My arms involuntarily went completely limp and my knees almost gave way.

What little will I had left yielded to the sensation despite my best effort to keep things under control.  And then as quickly as it came the intense warmth left, and the darken veil lifted as if I was opening my eyes slowly. But the sensation of surrender, however lingered far too long. By the time I was able to get my wits about me he was gone and so was the Polarized subspace collider I had just stolen.

  Scientifically speaking it was not all together a bad feeling, just jarring and a little shocking I was taken so off guard.  Being the scientist that I am, I would not mind being hit with that weapon again…strictly for research mind you, and in a controlled environment. It would be the best way to figure out what this weapon is, how to deflect it next time, and more importantly how to recreate it as a weapon of my own! 

A Day in the Life of a Super Villain.

 Do you see what I have to put up with? 

Watch Out Minion-A. I'm Making 'The Purple Haze of Fury.' And I'll Test it on You!

There is nothing like a new direction to put the spring back into one’s step. Thanks to a miscalculation of the Giga-watt flux conduit the Gamma Utility Nanite Sphere or G.U.N.S project has been scrapped. I am not that upset about it, frankly Gamma Utility Nanite Spheres are so over used. Where is the creativity? Where is  the elegance? I have moved on to bigger and better things, such as, The Purple Haze of Fury!  Purple Haze of Fury, tell your friends. 

I was surprised, seeing how much of a huge pain in my back side Super Stud has been the last two weeks, that the Pompous Paladin was no were to be seen when I broke into Foster Labs. I needed to pick up some Paragon Isotope for the Purple Haze of Fury Generator. Once again my only obstacle was Captain Cool.  You would think that the Fosters would rethink their security contract with that fool, seeing how I am in and out of there several times a week and he has only been able to stop me once, three years ago, and I had a cold. Besides who is afraid of a grown man in a tangerine speedo?

I have decided that Cat was right, not that I would ever admit this to her, it would only perpetuate that goodie-goodie nature she is trying so hard to over come, but I have grown complacent with the incompetents of Captain Tool. I am actually impatient to see just how much of a challenge this new comer is.  Defeating minions are one thing, dealing with me face to face is another. 

In other news: It has come to my attention that one of my loyal following is not so loyal after all, but is in fact a double agent.  This is distressing seeing how Minion X is still in jail and the others must pick up the slack. Minion-A as I shall call her is unaware I am on to her deception.  But really I think she has seen one to many movies with all of her sycophant groveling and begging for mercy, “yes my lord” and “ use me my league” “Please show pity on me oh purple one.” “ I’m not worthy”  Like I have ever treated a minion bad. Every villain knows the key to faithful flunkeys is a well rounded total compensation package for all henchman, including medical, dental, and two weeks a year vacation. I am even a strong supporter of the Lackey’s Union. 

I mean I am all for the normal heathy fear and groveling associated with all Super villains and their underlings, but this one takes things to the next level. She actually wet herself when she got my coffee wrong.   Everyone knows a wrong coffee order requires nothing more then a mild beating and three hours  cleaning out the poisson cabinet by tasting and logging the affect of anything unmarked. Nothing worthy of wetting ones self.  At first I thought it was a self confidence issue. Lackeys often suffer from low self-esteem. But while she groveled  to me, I saw an air of self importance, uncharacteristic in a factotum with a inferiority complex, when talking with her fellow flunkeys.

  This made me suspicious. So I had her texts pulled. She may be a double agent but she is not to bright if she thought I could not, or would not check the text messages sent out from the company provided cell phone. Unfortunately the person she was texting is smart enough to have a blocked number and is never referred to by name nor does this person send instructions via text. This could be a problem and it brings up several questions:

1) Who is Minion-A working for? 

2) Is this person a threat?

3) How can I use this to my advantage? 

4) Is it just a coincidence that I discover the deceit of Minion-A the same time Super Stud moves into town? 

For now I think I will let Minion-A feel she is successfully fooling me. Seeing how she has violated the ethical clause in my contract I feel no guilt in throwing her in harms way, or what ever painfully painful tasks I may come across in my quest to rule the world. I think over the next few weeks Minion-A is going to feel the full force of what it means to be a loyal cohort of the Purple nightmare. 

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day!

Grrrrrr!  There is something wrong with the Giga-watt flux conduit! It is messing up the photonics spatial disturbance mogul in the Gamma Utility Nanite Sphere. The unknown quantum discriminator just will not generate enough nucleonic auxiliary nanite materialization to properly support the sphere.  I am back to square one! 

Minion X, is still behind bars thanks to that stupid Super Stud. The City Counsel just announced they will be adding Captain Cool’s likeness to Hero’s park, and Minion-A got my Coffee wrong, AGAIN!  

Can this day get any worse?

So Much for Christmas Down Under!

Several of my minions, including the most loyal, Minion X, are now in custody thanks to the new hero, Super Stud. More like Super Dud if you ask me. He has put the production of the Gamma Utility Nanite Sphere or the G.U.N.S way behind schedule.  Three jobs this week alone have been stopped by him. And yet my spies have not been able to produce any useful information other then he has a lovely pair of eyes.  Like that is helpful!

When I said I wanted a new challenge I meant I wanted to have to come up with some new insults and ways to make a grown man cry. Not to have my whole timeline thrown into disarray. At this rate there will be no way I can achieve my goal to own Australia by Christmas. Not without the G.U.N.S!

I have not had a week go this bad since the time I had mono and I had a bad reaction to the medication the doctor gave me. I knew better but I was in a hurry to complete the Atmospheric Sequencer Simulation. I tried to pull a brake-in on Foster Labs, but I was so drugged up I might as well have been sleep walking.  Captain Cool got his one and only victory over me that night. It’s been 3 years and that fool still brings it up every time we fight! 

 I think Cat or as she likes to be called, Catastrophic could tell I was in need of a victory, over something, anything, no matter how small.  She’s a good friend. Unfortunately for me her idea of cheering me up is to make me go out with her on her quest to steal people’s reserved parking spaces. She promised that the exercise would be, at the very least, entertaining.  

Parking in reserved parking spaces and then hiding in the bushes to watch the owner of that space flip out is not what I would call, evil or genius. But I will give her that it did prove to be therapeutic. Watching Captain Cool’s reaction as he tried to park for the Hero’s Luncheon at the Mayor’s historic mansion was most entertaining.   Silly me, here I thought the key to Captain Cools downfall was combat. As it turns out all you have to do is make him walk.

Cat, in her perpetually sickening need to be optimistic, tried to give me a pep talk.  She says I should look at this as a blessing. That I have grown comfortable and lazy with Captain Cool’s incompetence. This new hero will force me to raise my game. I am not sure if this is true wisdom on her behalf or just a byproduct of her goodie-goodie superhero up bringing. It’s hard to tell. Having both parents and all four of her brothers as tights wielding weirdoes with egos to match, plus one of her uncles is a member of the Justice League has to infect one’s prospective of life. I mean her idea of an evening of mayhem is parking in reserved parking spots and throwing an occasional cat in a tree. Is it any wonder her family thinks her malfeasance is nothing more than a rebellious phase?

 And yet her words haunt me. Could she be right?  Have I THE PURPLE NIGHTMARE evil genius, esquire and member of the E.L.E grown lazy?

The Narcissistic Nature of Heros and Your Pathetic Need to Love Them

My band of heliotrope henchmen have informed me there is a new hero in town.  Like this place really needs another conceited caped crusader. According to my spies the city is going all out and is throwing him a parade.  Really?  For what, exactly? Moving into the neighborhood? Big deal!  “Oooo look at me I packed a box. I carried a couch. Quick somebody throw me a parade!”  That’s a Hero for you. Do you know who deserves a parade? The dude with a truck who gladly gave up his weekend to help  'the new knight' move out of his town, and into ours! That guy, saw an opening to rid his town of their costumed con man and sacrificed his time to insure he left town peacefully.  That’s my idea of a hero! Although, since he moved him into my town, now he must die!

 Society seriously has its priorities screwed up! People are so ready to languor after any looser in a loin cloth, they fail to see that these guys are just a bunch of players in polyurethane. Heros are nothing more then the bullies who shoved us smart kids into lockers, while everyone else cheered in elation because they could catch a ball.  Yeah, ball catching, that’s a life affirming skill for you.  Let me ask you, what takes more usable expertise in the real world; Being able to catch a oblong ball while running from a band of goons who also want it, or creating a beam so powerful that it can stop its victim short in the exact position they were in when the beam hit them, a freeze ray, if you will.  One of these two skill sets will end up ruling the world one day. Here is a hint: coordinated ball wrangling has no place in ruling the world. 

 But does that reality matter to you? NO! You people would rather revere the tangerine speedo-cape wearing weirdo who swoops in the last second and beats up the brain.  You create parks in their honor and give them rewards like the key to the city…. If you would have just given me the key in the first place I wouldn’t need to develop weapons like the Purple Haze of Fury, so that I can take over the city, because I would already have the key and wouldn’t need to bother. But nooooooooo you gave them to Captain Cool. He’s not even a good super hero! Throttling Captain Cool is like taking candy from an armless sleeping baby.  His persistent crying and endless begging for mercy is starting to run on my purple nerves. I should just dispatch him once and for all and be done with it. But then again what would I do on a random Tuesday when there is nothing on TV because Glee is in re-runs? 

But look at me I am getting off subject again.  What were we talking about ?  Oh yeah the new guy. Apparently he goes by the label Super Stud.  SUPER STUD?  Are you kidding me?  I cant wait to get a load of the ego on this one!  Does anyone even comment on the narcissistic nature of this name? No. They are too busy putting up bunting and making sure the high school band is ready for the big parade. I guess I should not complain, lord knows I could use a new challenge,  it will at least be interesting to see if he lives up to his narcissistic status.

The Danger of Monologs

The world about to end? Times up and the hostages are about to die? You are about to be dropped in a pool of laser sharks and you are at a loss as to what to do next? Some how get the villain to start talking about himself and his further plans and your triumph is all but guaranteed. 

We are all guilty of it. Even the greats. The Joker, Red Skull, Dr. Doom, Kevin… Have all fallen pray the the monolog. We can’t help it, its that innate need to explain ourselves. I think it stems from early childhood, always having to explain to our parents why we did this or that. “ Why did you blow up the garage again?”  “ Why do you insist on holding the class hamster hostage.”  “ Why did you kick your brother in the nards?”  As if at such a young age we had the verbal skills to make you understand our greatness. Even if we did, you never believed us anyways. You would just end up grounding me from swim camp. All because you refused to believe that little Mary Martha -suck- up stole my juice box and used it to lure Mr. Jenkins dog, Ralphie to the bridge, pushed him in and then pretended to save him all the while saying I’m the one who tried to drowned him.  For the record, MOM,  my attempt at poisoning her was not an act of childish bulling. It was trying to save the world from yet another  a-moral want-to-be super hero, who has no more interest in saving the world then our politicians have representing the people.

 ~ Ah hmm~ see how easy it is to get side tracked. Where was I? Oh yeah monologs.  

Monologging is a drug. Its not enough to destroy the world. We want you to know who we are and why your world is ending. I’ve see it happen way to many times, and yet I know it is only a matter of time before I, The Purple Nightmare, Evil Genius, Esquire and member of the Evil League of Evil( even though I still have not received the paper work and called the secretary three times.) get caught up in that trap.  

The problem is that every Super hero knows monologging is a drug and they use it against us. They are very clever manipulators. Always asking questions pushing buttons just trying to goat us into a tirade. Bastards. 

If I am going to be successful at total world domination I need to find an outlet for this overpowering desire to monolog. 

The popularity of Facebook and twitter are prime examples on just how addictive monologging is.  Now every Tom, Dick and moron  can monolog every mundane aspects of their puny, flat, bland, dreary lives.  Do you really think anyone cares about what you had for lunch, or that you are at the bank?  The answer is NO! Your puny lives are boring, no one is interested!

In fact your constant need to tell the world what color your socks are, only helps us carry out our evil plans and track your every move.  We no long have to preform longer stakeouts or do months of research following your every move, looking for patterns and flaws in your routine.  All we have to do is subscribe to your twitter account. Its a huge time saver for us. 

But look at me, I am digressing again. Twitter would never work as a true outlet, because if we could keep our monologs to a mere 140 characters, monologging would not be an issue.  Lets face it we have to much to say! How can you expect me to hone my greatness down to such a tiny dosage? It would be like diluting a fine wine.

That is why I have decided to blog.  This way I can say as little or as much as I want. I figure that if I know I have an outlet, a place to get my monolog fix with out the danger of saying to much when I should be pushing a button and carrying out my evil plans, My chances of a success world domination become exponentially greater.  From today forward I will live by the strict, Punch-punch-insult-punch-punch, rule of fighting and save the monologging for the blog.