Friday, August 26, 2011

The Danger of Monologs

The world about to end? Times up and the hostages are about to die? You are about to be dropped in a pool of laser sharks and you are at a loss as to what to do next? Some how get the villain to start talking about himself and his further plans and your triumph is all but guaranteed. 
We are all guilty of it. Even the greats. The Joker, Red Skull, Dr. Doom, Kevin… Have all fallen pray the the monolog. We can’t help it, its that innate need to explain ourselves. I think it stems from early childhood, always having to explain to our parents why we did this or that. “ Why did you blow up the garage again?”  “ Why do you insist on holding the class hamster hostage.”  “ Why did you kick your brother in the nards?”  As if at such a young age we had the verbal skills to make you understand our greatness. Even if we did, you never believed us anyways. You would just end up grounding me from swim camp. All because you refused to believe that little Mary Martha -suck- up stole my juice box and used it to lure Mr. Jenkins dog, Ralphie to the bridge, pushed him in and then pretended to save him all the while saying I’m the one who tried to drowned him.  For the record, MOM,  my attempt at poisoning her was not an act of childish bulling. It was trying to save the world from yet another  a-moral want-to-be super hero, who has no more interest in saving the world then our politicians have representing the people.
 ~ Ah hmm~ see how easy it is to get side tracked. Where was I? Oh yeah monologs.  
Monologging is a drug. Its not enough to destroy the world. We want you to know who we are and why your world is ending. I’ve see it happen way to many times, and yet I know it is only a matter of time before I, The Purple Nightmare, Evil Genius, Esquire and member of the Evil League of Evil( even though I still have not received the paper work and called the secretary three times.) get caught up in that trap.  
The problem is that every Super hero knows monologging is a drug and they use it against us. They are very clever manipulators. Always asking questions pushing buttons just trying to goat us into a tirade. Bastards. 
If I am going to be successful at total world domination I need to find an outlet for this overpowering desire to monolog. 
The popularity of Facebook and twitter are prime examples on just how addictive monologging is.  Now every Tom, Dick and moron  can monolog every mundane aspects of their puny, flat, bland, dreary lives.  Do you really think anyone cares about what you had for lunch, or that you are at the bank?  The answer is NO! Your puny lives are boring, no one is interested!
In fact your constant need to tell the world what color your socks are, only helps us carry out our evil plans and track your every move.  We no long have to preform longer stakeouts or do months of research following your every move, looking for patterns and flaws in your routine.  All we have to do is subscribe to your twitter account. Its a huge time saver for us. 
But look at me, I am digressing again. Twitter would never work as a true outlet, because if we could keep our monologs to a mere 140 characters, monologging would not be an issue.  Lets face it we have to much to say! How can you expect me to hone my greatness down to such a tiny dosage? It would be like diluting a fine wine.
That is why I have decided to blog.  This way I can say as little or as much as I want. I figure that if I know I have an outlet, a place to get my monolog fix with out the danger of saying to much when I should be pushing a button and carrying out my evil plans, My chances of a success world domination become exponentially greater.  From today forward I will live by the strict, Punch-punch-insult-punch-punch, rule of fighting and save the monologging for the blog. 

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